What If? Pt. I

Considering my last post was about Mafia movies, this next one will seem a little juxtaposed.
This one's about Jesus.

Some of you know that I am what some would call a Christian. I'm not a real big fan of that word. Mostly b/c it has been so tarnished and spattered throughout the ages by those who claim to follow Christ and those who hate His name alike. Christians are bigoted, Christians are judgmental, Christians hate, refuse or oppress: gays, African Americans, Asians, women, Democrats, drinkers, smokers, the poor and pretty much everyone else at one point or another. If you've at one time sneered at, frowned upon or withdrew from Christians because of those things: you're not in the wrong. I, as a Christian, have judged, been harsh, failed to love, slandered, cursed and have thusly besmirched the name and purpose of the Jesus I have claimed to serve. I have used people, I have lied to those close to me, I have turned my back on those in need. This is because I am a human, who was failing to call on God to do the thing that I could not do in the face of my sin. I wish right now, to all of you who read this (all five of you), to apologize for my part in that. From the depths of my soul: I'm sorry.

Man is severely "effed", boys and girls. I know some wonderful talented people (some of whom read this blog and are now developing an increasingly deep frown). They have sweet hearts and incredible brains. I'm not so bad myself: I go to a great school, I'm mostly kind to my friends, I donate to the poor. It's really too bad that that's not good enough. One lie, one drunken night (and all that typically entails), one fight and we're done for. We've been stained with that sin.

This is a bit overwhelming. Have you ever been in a crowd of people and really tried not to think negative thoughts about anyone for like, an hour? I have tried this recently. It's impossible. Maybe some of you are better people than I (that's not really that hard to imagine), but really-- it's difficult. We cannot not sin. The result of this inability is Hell.

I know so many people who just do not believe in Hell. Some of these people are writers. This seems a little silly to me, to be honest. Even before I believed in Jesus, I believed in Hell. As a writer, you learn to write with the human experience. Every story, usually, has a good guy and a bad guy. The really good ones anyway (even Kafka, if you look hard enough). The good guys and bad guys are not always clearly defined (aka one doesn't always wear black and the other white) and in fact, the best stories have fuzzy character lines (I think), but they are always there. We know that this exists in humanity because we know people like this. There's something directing or motivating the good, and if so, there is something directing or motivating the bad. If there's a final destination of good, doesn't that also sort of suggest a final destination of bad? So there's Hell. It's not a place where there's beer (warm or otherwise). It's not where the sinners hang out. It's probably not going to be fiery, and if it is, the fire will cast no light. The devil lives in darkness because he attempted to claim dominion over the Light. It is not where there is sex, it is not where there is spicy foods. It is a prison in which there is only the absolute absence of anything you have ever deemed as good or worthy, tormented by a jailer who hates you, because you got a chance he thinks he never had. Heavy, a little, but this is as close as I can come to describing it based upon what I've learned.

A few years ago, as I started to deal with this stuff (my grandmother had been trying to get me to come to church forever, and my mother, when we moved to NoVa and found McLean BC, started to make me), I came to the conclusion that things look pretty bleak. Actually my utilization of descriptive vocabulary was pretty weak at that point, so I probably came to the conclusion that things "sucked". There had to be something else going on, or God really was as horrible as so many people I was associated with seemed to think. He was setting us up to fail. This was something I would struggle with for years. It would become apparent that this is not the case.

But this entry is pretty long for right now. So more tomorrow, I think.

Love. H.