No. 94: Introspection (A rather long one)

Hullo from CO.

It's gorgeous out here. Sort of a gray day, but the sun seeping through the clouds is giving everything a bluey tint. It's nice. Woke up late this morning, sat on the couch and read the Bible and had a lovely breakfast of toast and coffee and mango. Continued my reading through Neither Here Nor There by Bill Bryson, which is hysterical. Computed for a bit and battled melancholy by watching three back episodes of How I Met Your Mother. Forgot how much I love Allison Hannigan.

It's the third day of the New Year. Kind of weird actually. This is the first time in a series of years wherein the change over has any kind of significance for me. A good amount of that has to do with Face, but a lot of it also has to do with me. Last year was really horrific, actually, and I'm ready to have it behind me.

I've also decided that I need to leave the Hop. It's not just a preference or logistics thing now. It's almost a necessity. I don't think I can stay in Baltimore and retain my mental, spiritual and physical health for much longer. So, call it an escape, but sometimes it's wisdom and not fear that makes you run. That, wisdom, I mean, is another goal for this year, since most of the past one has been dictated to by fright.

The following will be vague, I know, but a door was firmly closed for me the other night. This, I believe, will be for the best. And while God can do anything He wants to (so this may not last FOREVER) it is an absolute for now. In many cases, I think this will be healthy for me. For a lot of people.

Brian and I spoke for a long time the other night, about the majority of the last year and how it affected each of us as people, and how we're both ready for a change. I'm so glad he's in my life. I don't know who I'd make it, sometimes. God has placed so many incredible people in my life, but you know those who you'd want there forever, and Brian is certainly one of them. Also Tess, who I miss more than I can say. Being away from my sister is awful. Blech.

Now, despite the decidedly negative tint I've shaded last year in, I know I shouldn't consider it all a complete wash. There is, after all, the following to consider:

• I have met some truly wonderful people, including, though not limited to: Mike and The Posse, Geof, Carma's people, The Spaniards.
  
• Seen some amazing things: Rain storms in sunlight, first snows, mountains, great shows, beautiful art.
  
• Heard some great stuff: the new Radiohead, cello sonatas, poetry.
  
• Created: collages, cooking, writing, developed my poetry, sketched, photography.
  
• Loved: music, people (in a varying degree of ways), food, places (most recently, Pittsburgh)
• Discovered: Elizabeth Bishop, DeVotchKa, dried mango slices, how to quickly and successfully remove the yummy bits from pomegranates, I don't like chocolate, Mike Giant and Obey artwork.
  
• Developed: my style, my writing, minor psychosis (which is only sort of a good thing, but makes me more interesting), relationships (Brian, Greg, Tess, Kathryn).
  
• Forgiven: some I've had grudges and hard feelings against, myself (somewhat).

So there's that.

This will be a good few days of calm and rest. I'm hoping for some restoration, as well.
Away for a while, but I'll see you soon.

H.