no. 131: fresh feeling

the title of this blog has actually nothing to do with the blog itself. i just love that eels song and i've had a craving for the Scrubs soundtracks all day, which just happens to feature them. anyway...

a note before the main blog: fred and i were watching That 70s Show earlier today when we finally got home. jackie told FES she was into him and he turned her down b/c he thought she was using him in desperation. so out of revenge, jackie vandalizes his car. fred goes, "ouch! his car!? this girl is nuts!" and i said it without thinking, "you've gotta be a harsh cow to mess with the auto"... and then it sort of hit me and i was moved immediately both to rage and then laughter, struck by the hilarity of the situation. to sum up: vandalizing somebody's ride identifies you as a crazy person. the end.

blog proper:

what makes us want to hurt people that hurt us? you may not even really be mad at the person who hurt you, but when dealt with painfully, the immediate reaction is retaliate with equal or advanced force. what is it in humans that makes us want to do that?
my best friend, who i consider as a sister, has been sort of m.i.a. of late (not referencing the hip-hop artist), and it kinda hurts. i feel like i could make more gestures, but not at risk of being annoying. we were very close last summer and last semester and i miss her. she sees/talks to/calls my mom more than me, and it began to bug me a lot this week. i think it bugged me more than it would've because my guy best friend, brian, decided it was a good idea to become a jerk and stop calling and answering. i didn't do anything, to my knowledge, to piss him off, and was displeased to find that he's been treating others among his friends with the same disregard. finding that out made me ever more angry b/c brian's better than that and i hate when he stoops to levels of immaturity and pettiness. blech. of course i didn't react like an adult and just deal with it. i got on with my life, which is sort of busy right now anyway, but when B finally did call (only in attempt to cover himself with another friend who he offended), i treated him with the same disdain i thought he was treating me with. mature.

had a long talk about that with mom today. she said the equivalent of: yes, it sucks when friends don't do what they say they will, but man up. i swear, everyone is starting to sound like the DJ (who, while he's a mess himself, does possess a veritable fount of wisdom). so i am.

but seriously-- why is the reaction to be hurt and retaliate with hurt? why do we fear weakness? i mean, of course no one likes to be victimized, but what is it in us, or maybe just in me, that hates frailty. it's alright to be hurt my something and then just heal. there's no inherent need to retaliate. but we do it anyway. we make movies about it. we glorify retaliation. i think it's a lack of faith.
maybe.

i only say this because it rarely ever makes you feel better (for long) and it (usually) never brings about the desired results. meh.

as an aside: memories do in fact come back to bite you. what's that counting crows line? "if dreams are like movies/ then memories are films about ghosts". i've been viewing too much cinema lately.

tomorrow: lazing about, reading. maybe church. need to get in touch with miss meredith and figure out if she's going to this st. patty's day shindig of my father's with me. people in my areas: pre and post St. Patty's Day Parade party on bonsal street. call if you want to come with.

and now: oscar wilde, gary VAY-NER-CHUCK, and sweet sweet sleep in my own bed. Ahhh, spring break.

H.

No. 94: Introspection (A rather long one)

Hullo from CO.

It's gorgeous out here. Sort of a gray day, but the sun seeping through the clouds is giving everything a bluey tint. It's nice. Woke up late this morning, sat on the couch and read the Bible and had a lovely breakfast of toast and coffee and mango. Continued my reading through Neither Here Nor There by Bill Bryson, which is hysterical. Computed for a bit and battled melancholy by watching three back episodes of How I Met Your Mother. Forgot how much I love Allison Hannigan.

It's the third day of the New Year. Kind of weird actually. This is the first time in a series of years wherein the change over has any kind of significance for me. A good amount of that has to do with Face, but a lot of it also has to do with me. Last year was really horrific, actually, and I'm ready to have it behind me.

I've also decided that I need to leave the Hop. It's not just a preference or logistics thing now. It's almost a necessity. I don't think I can stay in Baltimore and retain my mental, spiritual and physical health for much longer. So, call it an escape, but sometimes it's wisdom and not fear that makes you run. That, wisdom, I mean, is another goal for this year, since most of the past one has been dictated to by fright.

The following will be vague, I know, but a door was firmly closed for me the other night. This, I believe, will be for the best. And while God can do anything He wants to (so this may not last FOREVER) it is an absolute for now. In many cases, I think this will be healthy for me. For a lot of people.

Brian and I spoke for a long time the other night, about the majority of the last year and how it affected each of us as people, and how we're both ready for a change. I'm so glad he's in my life. I don't know who I'd make it, sometimes. God has placed so many incredible people in my life, but you know those who you'd want there forever, and Brian is certainly one of them. Also Tess, who I miss more than I can say. Being away from my sister is awful. Blech.

Now, despite the decidedly negative tint I've shaded last year in, I know I shouldn't consider it all a complete wash. There is, after all, the following to consider:

• I have met some truly wonderful people, including, though not limited to: Mike and The Posse, Geof, Carma's people, The Spaniards.
  
• Seen some amazing things: Rain storms in sunlight, first snows, mountains, great shows, beautiful art.
  
• Heard some great stuff: the new Radiohead, cello sonatas, poetry.
  
• Created: collages, cooking, writing, developed my poetry, sketched, photography.
  
• Loved: music, people (in a varying degree of ways), food, places (most recently, Pittsburgh)
• Discovered: Elizabeth Bishop, DeVotchKa, dried mango slices, how to quickly and successfully remove the yummy bits from pomegranates, I don't like chocolate, Mike Giant and Obey artwork.
  
• Developed: my style, my writing, minor psychosis (which is only sort of a good thing, but makes me more interesting), relationships (Brian, Greg, Tess, Kathryn).
  
• Forgiven: some I've had grudges and hard feelings against, myself (somewhat).

So there's that.

This will be a good few days of calm and rest. I'm hoping for some restoration, as well.
Away for a while, but I'll see you soon.

H.

No. 89: Just ask the Axis

Movies to see:
- 3:10 To Yuma
- No Country for Old Men
- I'm Not There
- Juno
- Sweeney Todd
- Golden Compass

Things to do tomorrow:
- Fold laundry.
- Put gas in my car.
- Pack for Dad's.
- Caffeinate.
- Be thrilled by Rufus Wainwright's incredibility.

Things to do in general:

- Have heart to heart with father.

- Get Geof to get the extra turn table from Matt's.
- Rescue vinyl from Hopkins.
- Buy every available Hendrix vinyl.
- Buy every available Cream vinyl.
- Buy every available Dylan album.
- Buy every available Miles Davis album.
- Listen to all of them, over the period of a few days, with some good friends.

- Fill in Tess.

- Ink No. 3: Mum and Lena on shoulder.

- Be less crazy.

H.

No. 58: Bloggety Blog Blog

There is no cure/ I am sure/ for this ten cent blues....

Except there is, Eisley! So take that.

Things, in bulleted form, for faster posting purposes, due to the fact that I'm exhausted and am going to bed and getting up absurdly early.

• I found out at 11 o clock today that I have a Psych midterm on Wednesday that I haven't studied for. I have yet to study for it because I also found out I have a Spanish composition due on Wednesday that I hadn't begun to write. I care more about Spanish (a requirement) than I do about Psychology (not), so I chose to write the entire composition tonight as opposed to study Psych.
  
• Went to Den. Caolen (whose name I will never spell correctly) and John read, so it was definitely worth going, but my stomach, for various reasons, turned on me and I felt MISERABLE by the time I got back to my room so....
• I dove into bed and pulled a blanket over my hair, which smelled like Den and called Mike, which did not go well, for not fault of his, and then tried to sleep. That didn't succeed so...
• I had a total rant session with Red. It was helpful, except that I went a little crazy in letting all my pent up emotional and physical stress out. Meh. Then I had chocolate ice cream and read some more James Joyce, which I'm actually getting into. Then...
• I made tea. It was really amazing organic Earl Gray. Joe called me back from when I called him earlier to complain he wasn't at the reading when I'd finally remembered his flipping cook book. We talked for a long time, and at the end of the conversation and the end of my mug of tea, I felt almost totally better. The shower following the end of the conversation did wonders as well.
  
• I've finished my Spanish composition and gathered notes for studying tomorrow. I'm getting up to study at Carma's hideously early until my 10 o clock, the exhilarating Art History of the Ancient Amerias, the reading for which I have yet to catch up on, and then Psych, which is a review session, I hope, and then more studying, probably at a table in Bloomberg, until Spanish, after which there will be more studying before the absolutely scintillating History of Africa class and its subsequent section where all we do is moan about how horrendous the reading was. But yes. The good news is that after this semester, I don't have to take any more history classes ever. So that's nice.
  
• Dinner with Mike tomorrow night, amidst tons of studying, and then I'm reading at the undergrad doo-dad at the Hop Deli at 8. And I retract my previous "don't" for coming. Come, it'll be hilarious.
  

In summation:
- Thanks Red, Joe, and Mike, who later called me back and was wonderful and kind and incredibly boyfriendly.
- PMS blows.
- Earl Grey.

Looking forward to Pittsburgh this weekend.

H.