no. 130: why am i still awake?

I believe the following are responsible for the fact that it is 4:52am and I am still awake:

a) two twiggys (earl grey and skim milk with vanilla syrup) and a large coffee
b) anxiety over things beyond my control
c) fear of dreaming things which will only further my anxiety
d) the cough i've again developed

aside from those things, i think i'd be zonked b/c it's been a long day, and i was OH so ready for sleeping.

in other news, my supposed best friend is utterly incomunicado, which is driving me insane and making me feel horrid. thusly carlos officially took his spot as male best friend today. geof was rightfully astonished, but i spent a decent amount of time with the cuban-american and as i told him-- i tell him everything anyway and even if he doesn't really need to know or care, he listens anyway and responds with helpful commentary. he also possesses the necessary skill of being able to tell me i'm being an idiot in a nice way, but not a too nice way.

greg called me today. it was good beyond description to hear from him. i've wanted to call him for weeks, but i figured he'd be busy with the whole being married and living in another state and carrying on a full time job thing. but he "missed his hannah" and i so i merited a time slot. for those who care: he's doing really well-- work, home, wife. savannah and he are discussing moving back to NoVa in a few years at the latest, which is good news.
me: there's no reason to come home any more! brian's no fun without you and geof and i never come up with any plans. you were the life of the party.
greg: yep, i agree with that completely.

i'm so ready to fall asleep it's ridiculous. tempted to watch an episode of firefly first and see if that helps, but i don't see it going that way. i'd just end up listening to alan tudyk's commentary and laughing hysterically and waking up Red. a thing to be avoided.


dear God, please send sleep.

h.

No. 94: Introspection (A rather long one)

Hullo from CO.

It's gorgeous out here. Sort of a gray day, but the sun seeping through the clouds is giving everything a bluey tint. It's nice. Woke up late this morning, sat on the couch and read the Bible and had a lovely breakfast of toast and coffee and mango. Continued my reading through Neither Here Nor There by Bill Bryson, which is hysterical. Computed for a bit and battled melancholy by watching three back episodes of How I Met Your Mother. Forgot how much I love Allison Hannigan.

It's the third day of the New Year. Kind of weird actually. This is the first time in a series of years wherein the change over has any kind of significance for me. A good amount of that has to do with Face, but a lot of it also has to do with me. Last year was really horrific, actually, and I'm ready to have it behind me.

I've also decided that I need to leave the Hop. It's not just a preference or logistics thing now. It's almost a necessity. I don't think I can stay in Baltimore and retain my mental, spiritual and physical health for much longer. So, call it an escape, but sometimes it's wisdom and not fear that makes you run. That, wisdom, I mean, is another goal for this year, since most of the past one has been dictated to by fright.

The following will be vague, I know, but a door was firmly closed for me the other night. This, I believe, will be for the best. And while God can do anything He wants to (so this may not last FOREVER) it is an absolute for now. In many cases, I think this will be healthy for me. For a lot of people.

Brian and I spoke for a long time the other night, about the majority of the last year and how it affected each of us as people, and how we're both ready for a change. I'm so glad he's in my life. I don't know who I'd make it, sometimes. God has placed so many incredible people in my life, but you know those who you'd want there forever, and Brian is certainly one of them. Also Tess, who I miss more than I can say. Being away from my sister is awful. Blech.

Now, despite the decidedly negative tint I've shaded last year in, I know I shouldn't consider it all a complete wash. There is, after all, the following to consider:

• I have met some truly wonderful people, including, though not limited to: Mike and The Posse, Geof, Carma's people, The Spaniards.
  
• Seen some amazing things: Rain storms in sunlight, first snows, mountains, great shows, beautiful art.
  
• Heard some great stuff: the new Radiohead, cello sonatas, poetry.
  
• Created: collages, cooking, writing, developed my poetry, sketched, photography.
  
• Loved: music, people (in a varying degree of ways), food, places (most recently, Pittsburgh)
• Discovered: Elizabeth Bishop, DeVotchKa, dried mango slices, how to quickly and successfully remove the yummy bits from pomegranates, I don't like chocolate, Mike Giant and Obey artwork.
  
• Developed: my style, my writing, minor psychosis (which is only sort of a good thing, but makes me more interesting), relationships (Brian, Greg, Tess, Kathryn).
  
• Forgiven: some I've had grudges and hard feelings against, myself (somewhat).

So there's that.

This will be a good few days of calm and rest. I'm hoping for some restoration, as well.
Away for a while, but I'll see you soon.

H.

nineteen

Today marks the occasion of my 19th birthday.
Thus far, it's been lacking. Not bad, just lacking.
Got home from the Greek's around 11:45 last night and exhaustedly passed out after listening to a lot of really melancholy music, namely Matt Pond PA (who I forgot I loved so much).
Woke up this morning earlier than I wanted to. Fred left me a present, a really gorgeous leather journal from Papyrus. But it's a gray day and the house is empty.
After doing morning quiet time with God and having some left over birthday soup with coffee (not a great stomach combo, let me just say), I'm online.

All my best friends (minus two of the boyses) are in Peru. My mum left me a message on my cell saying they're on their way on the plane from El Salvador where they were marooned yesterday because of a storm in Costa Rica. Ben sang me happy birthday. It was lovely, in a Ben sort of way. John left me happy birthday in japanese. Dad sang, too. Eva left a boisterous happy happy happy. I have some awesome friends, let me tell you. They all just happen to be in another country or state at the moment.

this weekend was... interesting. i'm excited for vail on friday. i'm thinking that lying by a pool surrounded by mountains will do me good.

love. h.

ps. nineteen is a silly age. not twenty and therefore the close of the teenage years, while at the same time lacking the rite of passage of 16 and the transition to legality of 18. it's merely nineteen-- limbo. blech.

pss. because i might explode if i don't get it out there: to an anonymous someone: sometimes brilliance, when exhibited to an excess, is irritating and tedious. thinkaboutit.

Some Brief Letters

Dear Michael Chabon,
I hate you. I am coming for you, with my newly invented talent stealing ray. Beware.
Signed, Bitterly Jealous
**

Dear Madeleine Peyroux,
Can I have your voice?
Signed, an Admirer
**

Dear Best Friends,
Peru is so much less cool than me. Stay in this country!
Signed, GoingToBeAloneOnMyBirthday
**

Dear David English,
You're 14 and a complete brilliant prodigy child. Find out who Jesus is.
Signed, Your best friend's friend
**

Dear ISIS,
Stop sucking.
Signed, Extremely annoyed by my new college registrar system.
**

Dear Brian,
Thank you for being a good friend. John and I are insane and would be worse without you.
Signed, your best friend's crazy girl who you to hate.
**

Dear John,
Thanks for putting up with me. I'm trying to be nicer.
Signed, Yer gf.
**

Dear Stephen Price,
You were greatly loved. Look after your family (especially LP) from Heaven. I know you were a great guy and I'm sorry I never met you.
Signed, a friend of your oldest sister.
**

Dear Hannah,
Stop being so stupid.
Signed, yourself.
**

<3 H