no. 131: fresh feeling

the title of this blog has actually nothing to do with the blog itself. i just love that eels song and i've had a craving for the Scrubs soundtracks all day, which just happens to feature them. anyway...

a note before the main blog: fred and i were watching That 70s Show earlier today when we finally got home. jackie told FES she was into him and he turned her down b/c he thought she was using him in desperation. so out of revenge, jackie vandalizes his car. fred goes, "ouch! his car!? this girl is nuts!" and i said it without thinking, "you've gotta be a harsh cow to mess with the auto"... and then it sort of hit me and i was moved immediately both to rage and then laughter, struck by the hilarity of the situation. to sum up: vandalizing somebody's ride identifies you as a crazy person. the end.

blog proper:

what makes us want to hurt people that hurt us? you may not even really be mad at the person who hurt you, but when dealt with painfully, the immediate reaction is retaliate with equal or advanced force. what is it in humans that makes us want to do that?
my best friend, who i consider as a sister, has been sort of m.i.a. of late (not referencing the hip-hop artist), and it kinda hurts. i feel like i could make more gestures, but not at risk of being annoying. we were very close last summer and last semester and i miss her. she sees/talks to/calls my mom more than me, and it began to bug me a lot this week. i think it bugged me more than it would've because my guy best friend, brian, decided it was a good idea to become a jerk and stop calling and answering. i didn't do anything, to my knowledge, to piss him off, and was displeased to find that he's been treating others among his friends with the same disregard. finding that out made me ever more angry b/c brian's better than that and i hate when he stoops to levels of immaturity and pettiness. blech. of course i didn't react like an adult and just deal with it. i got on with my life, which is sort of busy right now anyway, but when B finally did call (only in attempt to cover himself with another friend who he offended), i treated him with the same disdain i thought he was treating me with. mature.

had a long talk about that with mom today. she said the equivalent of: yes, it sucks when friends don't do what they say they will, but man up. i swear, everyone is starting to sound like the DJ (who, while he's a mess himself, does possess a veritable fount of wisdom). so i am.

but seriously-- why is the reaction to be hurt and retaliate with hurt? why do we fear weakness? i mean, of course no one likes to be victimized, but what is it in us, or maybe just in me, that hates frailty. it's alright to be hurt my something and then just heal. there's no inherent need to retaliate. but we do it anyway. we make movies about it. we glorify retaliation. i think it's a lack of faith.
maybe.

i only say this because it rarely ever makes you feel better (for long) and it (usually) never brings about the desired results. meh.

as an aside: memories do in fact come back to bite you. what's that counting crows line? "if dreams are like movies/ then memories are films about ghosts". i've been viewing too much cinema lately.

tomorrow: lazing about, reading. maybe church. need to get in touch with miss meredith and figure out if she's going to this st. patty's day shindig of my father's with me. people in my areas: pre and post St. Patty's Day Parade party on bonsal street. call if you want to come with.

and now: oscar wilde, gary VAY-NER-CHUCK, and sweet sweet sleep in my own bed. Ahhh, spring break.

H.